Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
