just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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