Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
