Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
