About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
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I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
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Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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