best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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