My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
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You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
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I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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