Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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