I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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