I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
