Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Someone came in the potted fern
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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