I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
