I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I forget how to act sober
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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