my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
