I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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