remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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