So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
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you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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