I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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