soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
