I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
