ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
