can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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