I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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