I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
