my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
