This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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