Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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