My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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