Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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