I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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