Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
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He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
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I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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