And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
