the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
