i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
