party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Pooping to opera.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
