Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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