I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
