nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
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