so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
