Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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