I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
