fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
