its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
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Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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