Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
