i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Randomize
