Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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