just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
