i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
