I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
