I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
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i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
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just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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