can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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