thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
